AITH for telling our roommate his kids can’t come here anymore, then giving him notice when he refused?

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

When Kindness Turns into Chaos: A Roommate Nightmare

After opening their home to a friend and his children, a couple quickly finds their generosity spiraling into a chaotic living situation. With escalating messes, broken belongings, and a growing stench, the couple struggles to maintain their sanity and home. As tensions rise, they must confront the difficult decision of whether to prioritize their family’s well-being over their friend’s needs. This relatable story highlights the challenges of balancing compassion with personal boundaries, a dilemma many can empathize with in today’s world.

Family Drama Over Living Arrangements: A Conflict Resolution Dilemma

A year ago, a couple, both in their late twenties, decided to help an old friend, Adam, by allowing him to move into their home. Adam, a 30-year-old father of three boys, faced challenges with his living situation, which did not accommodate his children. The couple, having a daughter aged six, felt sympathetic and offered Adam the basement of their home, while they occupied the top floor. The main floor was designated as a shared common area.

Initial Agreement: Adam was informed that all parties were responsible for maintaining cleanliness in shared spaces and their respective areas.
Background on Adam’s Situation: Adam explained that two of his three children were not biologically his, which complicated his living arrangements. He was allowed to have his children over two nights a week.

Initially, the living situation seemed manageable, but issues soon arose:

Cleaning Issues: The couple frequently had to remind Adam about cleaning, and unpleasant odors began emanating from the basement.
Children’s Behavior: The couple discovered that Adam’s children were sneaking upstairs while he slept, leading to chaos, including broken items and food theft.
Escalating Problems: The situation worsened when the couple found their ice cream sandwiches half-eaten and melted throughout the house.

In response to the escalating issues, the couple implemented several measures:

Security Measures: They installed a lock on the basement door to keep the children contained while Adam slept.
Bathroom Lock Removal: They had to remove the lock from the bathroom door due to the children locking themselves in and causing messes.
Baby Gate Installation: A baby gate was put up to prevent access to the living room, but it was repeatedly torn down.

As the couple prepared for the arrival of their second child, they decided it was time for Adam to move out. However, a significant incident pushed them to act sooner:

Unpleasant Discovery: One day, the wife found the laundry area covered in urine, leading to a breakdown and a call to her husband.
Final Decision: After discussing the situation, the husband informed Adam that his children could no longer visit, and he had 60 days to vacate the premises.

While family and friends supported the couple’s decision, some criticized them for being insensitive towards the children. The couple is now left questioning whether they were in the wrong for their actions.

In light of the ongoing family drama and wedding tension surrounding the situation, they seek clarity on whether they are the ones at fault.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

A year ago, my husband (31M) and I (29F) decided to let an old friend of ours… Let’s name him Adam (30M) move in, as his living situation wouldn’t allow his children there. All boys, ages 7, 4, and 1, we have a daughter aged 6, so we felt for his situation. Adam would get the whole basement with his own full-sized fridge; the top floor is ours, and the main floor was a shared common area.

Adam was told that common areas are kept clean by all parties, and everyone is expected to clean their half of the house themselves. We asked Adam why his kids weren’t welcomed at his old place. He said that 2 of the 3 kids are not his. He was with a girl for 2 years on and off and had a baby with her.

However, the people he lived with don’t like him playing daddy to the oldest when they aren’t his kids. My husband and I found it very strange, but we agreed that 2 nights a week was okay with us. The first few months were okay, despite having to remind him about cleaning and the smell that was coming from the basement.

Until one morning, I woke up and stood there in horror when I found raw eggs and shells all over the house! I screamed so loud that Adam came running. After seeing what happened, he investigated, then came back up to apologize.

His excuse was that he overslept and the oldest admitted that he went into my fridge and couldn’t help himself when he saw the big 30-pack of eggs. From there on, the 2 oldest kept sneaking upstairs early in the morning while Adam slept. They were breaking things, stealing things, eating things, and even started going to the top floor where we live.

Each time, Adam would give an apology and promise to do better to keep them under control. My final straw was when I woke up to my brand new Costco pack of ice cream sandwiches half eaten, melted, and smooshed into multiple surfaces of the house. It started with a lock on the basement door, so Adam could keep the kids downstairs while he slept.

Then we had to remove the lock on the bathroom door because they started locking themselves in and peeing on all surfaces of the bathroom. We put a baby gate up to keep them out of the living room because they kept stealing and breaking things. They ripped it down twice, and I ended up screwing it into the wall instead.

Present day, our house is so locked down that his kids are only able to be in the basement. The smell from the basement is so strong, like sour milk and vomit, that people refuse to come here anymore, and Adam keeps claiming there is no smell. Adam has never used a single cleaning product to clean except baby wipes.

The downstairs furniture is all coated in some gross sticky film. There is paint missing from the walls and some holes. When we found out I was pregnant, we decided Adam needed to leave for obvious reasons.

We were planning on waiting a little as we just wanted him to move before the baby is born, and I am only 2 months along… but then Thursday happened. I was home alone, so I decided to take advantage of it, blasted some music, and started cleaning.

An hour later, I went to throw in a load of laundry. I grabbed the bottle of detergent… it was covered in pee. Pee was everywhere!!! The laundry tub was clogged with pee, on the floor, side of the washer, now all over my hands, EVERYWHERE!!!

I cleaned it up, put my load in, and called my husband crying. My husband was pissed and messaged our group chat, saying what happened and how the 2 oldest kids can’t come here any longer. Adam apologized and said how sorry he is that I cleaned it and that it upset me.

Then he stated how those are his children and it’s unfair to say they can’t come here, and he is going to bring them anyways. Long story short, I snapped. I told him I put a lock on the laundry door and he has 60 days to move out. Adam just apologized and took his notice.

All our family and friends are happy we are kicking him out because the smell is so bad. Yet some feel we were attacking the kids for being “different” and stating that locking them out of rooms was insensitive….

So I need to know… AITA?

EDIT

I did not expect this post to blow up like it did, and I appreciate all the comments. But I would like to address the comments about calling CPS! They had a case opened for over a year, and it was recently closed. Family services didn’t care about the state of the basement, unfortunately.

EDIT 2

As I said, the kids are only here twice a week, and this happened over a full year span. That’s roughly 104 days. Some weekends they were fine; some they yell-talk really loud or have screaming contests non-stop, not a hurt or in trouble scream.

It’s literally like one of those screams you do if someone asks how loud you can scream, and other weekends have been obvious hell. This whole thing has been a huge buildup, not one after another events. It’s been almost 2 months with no huge out-of-pocket issues until the laundry room incident.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments reveal a strong consensus around NTA due to the roommate’s negligence and lack of responsibility towards his children. Most users agree that the behavior exhibited by the children, as well as the disrespect shown by the roommate towards the OP’s home and rules, justifies the decision to ask him to leave, highlighting the importance of maintaining boundaries for the well-being of all involved.

Roommate’s failure to supervise and discipline his children is seen as irresponsible.
OP’s attempts to help were met with disrespect, leading to a justified decision to enforce boundaries.

Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict

Conflict in living arrangements can be challenging, especially when emotions and responsibilities are involved. Here are some practical steps to address the situation, considering both the couple’s and Adam’s perspectives.

For the Couple

Reflect on the Experience: Take time to discuss what went well and what didn’t in this living arrangement. Understanding the dynamics can help in future situations.
Communicate Clearly: When discussing the decision with Adam, ensure that the reasons for asking him to leave are communicated clearly and compassionately. Emphasize the impact on your family’s well-being.
Offer Support: If possible, assist Adam in finding alternative housing. This could include providing resources or helping him connect with local services that support families in need.
Set Boundaries for Future Arrangements: If you consider helping someone again, establish clear boundaries and expectations from the start. Document these agreements to avoid misunderstandings.

For Adam

Accept Responsibility: Acknowledge the issues that arose during the living arrangement. Understanding that his children’s behavior and his own actions contributed to the situation is crucial for personal growth.
Seek Help: If Adam is struggling with parenting or managing his children’s behavior, he should consider seeking support from parenting classes or local community resources.
Communicate Openly: Encourage Adam to express his feelings about the situation. Open dialogue can help him process the experience and learn from it.
Plan for the Future: Adam should create a plan for his living situation moving forward, including how to better manage his children’s behavior and ensure a stable environment for them.

Conclusion

Conflict resolution requires empathy and understanding from all parties involved. By taking these steps, both the couple and Adam can work towards a resolution that respects everyone’s needs and fosters personal growth. Remember, it’s essential to maintain open lines of communication and to approach the situation with compassion.