AITA My BF goes on walks for 5-7 hours and doesn’t communicate where he is

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

When Support Turns into Concern: A Relationship Dilemma

In a five-year relationship, a woman grapples with her boyfriend’s extreme anxiety and his habit of disappearing on late-night adventures without communication. While she tries to be supportive, his lack of updates leaves her worried and feeling disrespected, leading to a clash over what constitutes reasonable boundaries. As she seeks advice from strangers online, she begins to question whether his behavior hints at deeper issues like addiction or the need for psychiatric care. This relatable story highlights the challenges of balancing support for a partner’s mental health with the need for trust and communication in a relationship.

Family Drama and Conflict Resolution in a Relationship

A 36-year-old woman (referred to as “Me”) shares her experience regarding her relationship with her boyfriend, a 37-year-old man. They have been together for five years, but their relationship has recently been strained due to issues surrounding communication and anxiety management.

Background: The boyfriend suffers from extreme anxiety and panic attacks, which he manages by taking long walks. The woman is supportive of this coping mechanism.
Communication Issues: On multiple occasions, these walks have turned into extended outings without any updates to her. She has found herself waking up at odd hours, such as 3 AM, 5 AM, or even 8 AM, only to discover he is still not home.
Frantic Calls: During these times, she has made worried calls to him, which he answers reluctantly. He often accuses her of being unreasonable and controlling.
Locations Found: The woman has located him in various places, including:

Numerous bars, some of which were closed.
A hotel across town with unfamiliar people.
Friends’ houses she does not know.
Breakfast and drinks with strangers.
A 55-year-old woman’s house for a heart-to-heart conversation.
Parties with people he met during his walks.

Emotional Impact: The woman feels worried and angry about his lack of communication, believing it to be disrespectful. In contrast, her boyfriend perceives her concerns as controlling behavior.

Update on the Situation

In an update, the woman expresses her growing concern about her boyfriend’s mental health. She suspects he may need psychiatric care or could be struggling with alcohol addiction, or possibly both. Despite her attempts to communicate her worries, he has not been receptive to her concerns.

Seeking Help: The woman has turned to online forums for support, hoping to gain confidence in addressing her boyfriend’s mental health needs.
Backup Evidence: She intends to use the feedback from the online community as a reference to demonstrate that her concerns are valid and that the situation is serious.

This situation highlights the complexities of family drama and the challenges of conflict resolution in relationships, particularly when mental health issues are involved. The couple’s differing perspectives on communication and respect are central to their ongoing tension.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

Me 36F and my boyfriend 37M have been together for five years. He has extreme anxiety and panic attacks and will take long walks to calm down, which I am supportive of.

On numerous occasions, these walks have turned into other adventures, and he doesn’t update me. I have woken up at 3 am, 5 am, or even 8 am the next morning to find him still not home.

After worried and frantic calls, he will reluctantly answer and make me out to be unreasonable and controlling. The places I have located him at after hours of no contact are numerous bars, bars that are closed, at a hotel across town with random people, friends’ houses I do not know, breakfast and drinks with strangers, a 55-year-old woman’s house having a heart-to-heart, and parties with strangers he met on his walk.

AITA for being worried and angry when he doesn’t communicate where he is going if his walks turn into hangouts with friends? I think it’s extremely disrespectful; he says I’m being controlling.

UPDATE

Thanks for your replies, everyone. I have been suspecting for a while that he either needs psychiatric care or has an alcohol addiction, or both.

He hasn’t been listening to me, and I needed the help of a bunch of strangers on the internet to feel confident in addressing his need for mental health care. I wanted to have this written thread as a backup to show him that I’m not being unreasonable and that this is a big issue.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the boyfriend’s behavior is suspicious and potentially indicative of infidelity or substance abuse. Users emphasize that his claims of needing to manage panic attacks do not justify his actions, which include frequenting bars and spending time with strangers. Overall, commenters urge the original poster to trust her instincts and reconsider the relationship, highlighting the importance of honesty and healthy communication in partnerships.

Verdict: YTA

Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict

In navigating the complexities of your relationship, it’s essential to approach the situation with empathy and a focus on open communication. Here are some practical steps to help both you and your boyfriend address the underlying issues:

For You: Understanding and Communication

Reflect on Your Feelings: Take some time to understand your emotions. Acknowledge your worries and frustrations, but also consider how your boyfriend’s anxiety impacts his behavior.
Choose the Right Time to Talk: Find a calm moment to discuss your concerns. Avoid bringing this up during or immediately after one of his walks, as he may be more defensive then.
Use “I” Statements: When expressing your feelings, use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, say, “I feel anxious when I don’t hear from you,” instead of “You never tell me where you are.”
Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate your need for updates during his outings. Discuss what would make you feel more secure without infringing on his coping mechanisms.

For Him: Acknowledgment and Support

Recognize Her Concerns: Encourage your boyfriend to listen to your feelings without becoming defensive. Acknowledge that his actions may be causing you distress, even if he doesn’t intend to.
Communicate Openly: He should practice sharing his whereabouts and feelings during his walks. This can help alleviate your anxiety and foster trust.
Consider Professional Help: If he is struggling with anxiety or potential substance abuse, suggest seeking professional help. Therapy can provide him with tools to manage his anxiety more effectively.
Engage in Joint Activities: Find activities you can do together that promote relaxation and connection, such as walking together or attending a support group.

For Both: Building Trust and Understanding

Establish Regular Check-Ins: Set aside time each week to discuss how both of you are feeling about the relationship and any concerns that may arise.
Practice Empathy: Both partners should strive to understand each other’s perspectives. This can help in finding common ground and reducing misunderstandings.
Seek Couples Therapy: If communication remains challenging, consider couples therapy. A neutral third party can facilitate discussions and help both of you express your needs effectively.

Ultimately, both partners must feel heard and respected for the relationship to thrive. By taking these steps, you can work towards a healthier dynamic that addresses both your needs and concerns.