AITA for telling my husband I want a divorce.

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Is She the Asshole for Wanting a Divorce After Years of Struggle?

After 18 years of marriage, a woman reaches her breaking point and decides to file for divorce, feeling more like a single mother than a partner. Following a life-altering accident that left her with a spinal injury, she struggled to recover while her husband neglected his responsibilities and chose to spend money on porn instead of supporting their family. As he took on extra work, she found herself increasingly isolated, leading to a profound sense of loneliness and resentment. This story resonates with many who have faced the challenges of unbalanced relationships and the struggle for mutual respect and partnership.

Family Drama: A Decision for Divorce

After 18 years of marriage, a woman finds herself at a crossroads, leading to a significant family conflict. Here’s a breakdown of her situation:

Background: The woman suffered a severe accident that resulted in multiple spinal fractures. During her recovery, she discovered her husband was paying for pornography while not contributing financially.
Financial Strain: The couple relied on her worker’s compensation for income, yet her husband refused to help with basic tasks, such as grocery shopping, which could have saved them money.
Support from Children: During her recovery, her children stepped in to ensure she was fed and assisted her with daily activities, highlighting her husband’s lack of support.
Job Search: Frustrated with her husband’s inaction, she applied for a job on his behalf without his knowledge. He eventually got the job but also took on a second job, leaving little time for family.
Feeling Alone: Over time, she became accustomed to being alone as her husband worked excessively, leading to feelings of isolation.
Unreciprocated Efforts: She attempted to encourage family time by suggesting a trip to Las Vegas, which he did not plan, despite her having organized their vacations throughout their marriage.
Decision to Divorce: After consulting a lawyer, she decided to file for divorce, feeling that her husband was not prioritizing their relationship.
Husband’s Response: Upon learning of her decision, he promised to improve, but she struggled to feel happy after being alone for so long.
Accusations of Change: Her husband claimed that her personality had changed due to her head injury, a statement influenced by a family member who disapproves of her.
Feeling Disrespected: She expressed feelings of being treated as unimportant and disrespected, stating that she felt like a single mother while still married.

In light of these events, she questions whether she is in the wrong for wanting a divorce. The situation encapsulates themes of wedding tension, family drama, and the challenges of conflict resolution within a long-term relationship.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

Sorry for the long post. I have been married for 18 years. I told my husband I want a divorce.

I am tired of doing everything and feel like I don’t have a partner. Backstory: A few years ago, I had a bad accident to the point of fracturing my spinal cord in 5 places. During recovery, I found out he was paying for porn.

I do not have an issue with him watching, but paying yes. He was not working; we were surviving off my worker’s comp. While on bed rest, I had to order groceries because he said he couldn’t do it.

That was more money we could have saved. I think he cooked the first 3 days. After that, my kids were the ones to make sure I ate.

My kids helped me get in and out of bed. If my oldest children were gone to work or school, I had to order food to make sure my kids and I ate. My recovery took a very long time.

I am not back to normal; I can’t do things I did before. During this time, my husband refused to look for a job. So I was not happy at all.

I pushed myself to try to get back to my old position because we needed the money. But I ended up hurting myself more. I put in an application for a job for him and didn’t tell him.

They called him, and he got the job. But then he also picked up a second job by choice; he didn’t need it. So he worked so much that there was no time for family.

He didn’t even have time to sleep. So I got used to being alone. Now I think it is dumb that I paid for him to go to Las Vegas.

I told him if I do it, he has to plan a trip for us. I did this to see if he would take the time to do it. I planned everything for us our whole marriage.

Well, he didn’t do it, so I told him one more time we need our time together. He said, “I know,” but then doesn’t do it. That’s when I made the choice to divorce him.

I didn’t tell him until after I spoke to a lawyer. He said he would do better. Around this time, the second job closed down, so he was home.

But it was very hard for me to be all happy and open because I was alone for so long—over a year—while he was doing the two jobs. The second job was not needed.

The second job money was his play money, only used if we were short on something. I didn’t even want sex. No, I wasn’t cheating.

But he has cheated many times in our marriage. So, being that I have become closed off, I am now refusing to accept his old behavior.

He tells me I changed and that I am only acting like this because I had a head injury in the accident, and he says that has changed me. This has only been said after he talked to a family member on his side that doesn’t like me.

So now I am a miserable person with a head injury that has changed me. I am tired of being treated like I’m not important, being disrespected, and being made a single mother while married.

I had 5 kids, not 4. So, am I the asshole for telling my husband I want a divorce?

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments strongly support the notion that the original poster (OP) is not the asshole (NTA) for considering divorce from her husband. Users emphasize that her husband has been unsupportive, has cheated, and has treated her more like a caretaker than a partner, leading to a consensus that she deserves happiness and should move on. Many commenters share personal anecdotes to reinforce that leaving a toxic relationship can lead to a much better life.

Overall Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict

In navigating the complexities of a long-term relationship, especially one marked by significant challenges, it’s essential to approach the situation with empathy and a focus on constructive communication. Here are practical steps for both the woman and her husband to consider:

For the Woman:

Reflect on Your Needs: Take time to identify what you truly want from the relationship. Consider your emotional, physical, and financial needs.
Communicate Openly: If you feel comfortable, have an honest conversation with your husband about your feelings and the reasons behind your decision to consider divorce. Use “I” statements to express how his actions have affected you.
Seek Support: Engage with friends, family, or a therapist who can provide emotional support and guidance as you navigate this difficult time.
Explore Counseling: Suggest couples therapy as a way to address underlying issues. A neutral third party can facilitate healthier communication and help both of you understand each other’s perspectives.
Prioritize Self-Care: Focus on your recovery and well-being. Engage in activities that bring you joy and help you regain a sense of independence.

For the Husband:

Self-Reflection: Take time to reflect on your actions and their impact on your wife and family. Acknowledge any shortcomings in your support during her recovery.
Listen Actively: When discussing the situation with your wife, listen without interrupting. Validate her feelings and show that you understand her perspective.
Take Responsibility: Acknowledge your role in the relationship dynamics. If you have been neglectful or unsupportive, own up to it and express a genuine desire to change.
Make Concrete Changes: If you wish to improve the relationship, outline specific actions you will take to support your wife and family. This could include sharing household responsibilities or prioritizing family time.
Consider Professional Help: If you find it challenging to navigate these changes on your own, seek individual therapy to address personal issues that may be affecting your relationship.

Moving Forward:

Regardless of the outcome, both parties should prioritize open communication and mutual respect. Whether the decision leads to reconciliation or divorce, focusing on personal growth and well-being will ultimately lead to a healthier future.