AITA for telling my husband to figure out how to take care of our son?

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Is It Time for Dad to Step Up?

As a new mother prepares to return to work, she requests a day alone to adjust, hoping her husband can handle their baby solo for the first time. However, when he invites his mother to assist, tensions rise as she insists he should manage on his own. This relatable dilemma highlights the challenges of parenting dynamics and the struggle for independence in a partnership, making it a thought-provoking read for many parents navigating similar situations.

Family Drama Over Parenting Independence

A 30-year-old woman (referred to as OP) is facing conflict resolution challenges with her husband regarding their parenting dynamics. The couple welcomed their first child in September, and OP is preparing to return to work after maternity leave. Here’s a breakdown of the situation:

Background:
- OP has been on maternity leave since the birth of their son.
- Her husband took two months off but has been working full-time since then.
- They have only left their son once for a short wedding, with in-laws watching him.
Current Situation:
- OP wants a day alone to adjust to returning to work and to allow her husband to care for their son independently.
- Her husband has never spent a full day alone with their child, having only cared for him for short periods.
- During a recent outing, their son became very upset, and OP noticed her husband struggled to calm him down.
Conflict:
- OP expressed her desire for her husband to manage a day alone with their son without external help.
- Her husband responded by inviting his mother to assist, which OP opposed.
- OP believes it is important for her husband to gain confidence in caring for their son independently.
- Her husband views OP’s request as unreasonable and feels that having his mother help is acceptable.
Family Dynamics:
- OP’s mother-in-law supports her son’s decision, which adds to the tension.
- OP appreciates her mother-in-law’s help but feels this situation is about her husband stepping up as a father.
Additional Context:
- OP had a C-section and exclusively breastfed, limiting her ability to leave the baby early on.
- She has started pumping, but her husband is often at work during those times.
- OP clarifies that she does not intend to undermine her husband’s efforts but wants him to gain independence in parenting.

In summary, OP is navigating wedding tension and family drama as she seeks conflict resolution with her husband regarding their parenting roles. She believes that allowing her husband to care for their son independently is crucial for both their growth as parents. The situation raises questions about support, independence, and the dynamics of new parenthood.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

TLDR: I’m taking a day away from my husband and son to be comfortable with going back to work. My husband has never had a day alone with our son, so I asked him to try to figure it out, but I’ll be available if needed. He told his mother to come and help. I said no. He thinks I’m ridiculous.

I, 30F, and my husband, 33M, welcomed our first child this past September. I have been fortunate to be on maternity leave, but that ends next week. My husband had 2 months off and has been working full time since. He’s off on Sundays and Mondays.

I have never left my son except to go to a wedding in December, but we were only away for 3 of his wake hours. My in-laws watched over him, and everything was fine. I go back to work next week, and my son will be attending daycare.

My husband is off this entire week, and we’ve just been taking a staycation. I told my husband, though, that I want one day on my own to get more comfortable being away from our baby and that I want him to have the day with the baby on his own. He has never been alone with him for more than an hour.

He is a good father, though, and will help out when needed. But he has never been there for the full-blown cries and fussiness while having to take care of the house. A few days ago, we went to a friend’s house, and our son was screaming bloody hell.

Whenever I held him, he would calm down. Whenever my husband held him, he would just scream and cry even louder. So my husband just passed him along to me. I was getting frustrated because I just wanted to relax with friends, and he couldn’t calm him down for a minute.

Today, he tells me that his mom will be coming to help out. I asked him to tell her never mind because he should be able to do it on his own. He called me ridiculous and said it shouldn’t matter, but I think it really does.

I can’t be bothered at work unless absolutely necessary, so I wanted this to be our trial. His mom will also be working on Mondays, so it’s not like she will be available to help out then. His mom is taking his side, but of course, she will because our son is her only grandson.

So, AITA for telling my husband to figure it out and step up?

This is my first AITA post, and I’m frustrated just writing this, so if you need more details to decide, just let me know, and I’ll respond.

ETA: I had a C-section, and I exclusively breastfed, so I physically could not leave the baby in the first 2 months. My lactation consultant told me not to pump until after 2 months, as I needed to establish my milk supply. He took care of me while I took care of the baby.

He doesn’t do nothing. When I started pumping, my husband was already at work. My husband does do feedings now.

ETA2: This isn’t a punch towards his mother. I adore her. It’s really about him being independent with the baby. She helps us, and I always appreciate it. I don’t know why y’all think I’m spiteful.

ETA3: When my husband is home, I do separate myself from them by going to a different room. But he does often come to the room for help. I’m not just dropping him off.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the husband is not fulfilling his responsibilities as a father, with many users highlighting the concept of “weaponized incompetence” where he pretends to be incapable to avoid parenting duties. Commenters emphasize that a good father should actively participate in childcare rather than merely “helping out” when convenient. Overall, there is a clear call for the husband to step up and take equal responsibility for their child.

Verdict: YTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Parenting Conflict

Navigating the challenges of new parenthood can be overwhelming, especially when it comes to sharing responsibilities. Here are some practical steps for OP and her husband to address their conflict and foster a healthier parenting dynamic:

For OP:

Communicate Openly: Schedule a calm, uninterrupted time to discuss your feelings and concerns with your husband. Use “I” statements to express how you feel about his involvement in parenting, such as “I feel anxious about returning to work and want to ensure you feel confident caring for our son.”
Set Clear Expectations: Clearly outline what you envision for a day alone with your son. Discuss specific tasks and routines that your husband can practice to build his confidence.
Encourage Independence: Emphasize the importance of him spending time alone with your son without external help. Frame it as an opportunity for both of them to bond and for him to grow as a father.
Be Supportive: Acknowledge that he may feel nervous about taking care of the baby alone. Offer reassurance that it’s okay to make mistakes and that you trust him to figure things out.

For the Husband:

Listen Actively: Take the time to understand OP’s perspective. Acknowledge her feelings and the importance of both parents being equally involved in childcare.
Take Initiative: Accept the challenge of caring for your son independently. View this as a chance to bond and learn rather than a burden. Make a plan for the day that includes activities you can do together.
Seek Resources: If you feel unsure about certain aspects of parenting, consider seeking resources such as parenting classes, online forums, or books that can provide guidance and boost your confidence.
Respect Boundaries: Understand that OP’s request for a day alone with your son is not a rejection of your parenting but rather a step towards building your skills. Avoid involving your mother unless absolutely necessary, as this can undermine your growth as a father.

Joint Steps:

Plan Together: Create a parenting schedule that allows both of you to have time alone with your son. This can help establish a routine and ensure both parents are equally involved.
Reflect on Progress: After the day of independent parenting, come together to discuss how it went. Share what worked, what didn’t, and how you both felt about the experience.
Seek Professional Help: If conflicts persist, consider couples counseling or parenting workshops to facilitate better communication and understanding between you both.

By taking these steps, both OP and her husband can work towards a more balanced and supportive parenting partnership, ultimately benefiting their family as a whole.