AITAH for Not Serving as Much Food as I Know My Dinner Guests Will Want to Eat?

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When Generosity Meets Unexpected Challenges

In a tight-knit friend group that gathers for monthly dinners, one host faces a dilemma when a new guest’s eating habits challenge her generous spirit. After serving a lavish meal, she is taken aback by the sheer quantity consumed by Melissa, a friend who weighs 500-600 lbs, leading to tension among the group. As the next dinner approaches, the host grapples with balancing her desire to be accommodating with the rising costs of food and the expectations of her friends. This relatable scenario raises thought-provoking questions about hospitality, body image, and the complexities of friendship in a society increasingly aware of diverse needs.

Family Drama Over Dinner: Navigating Wedding Tension and Dietary Needs

In a close-knit friend group that meets monthly for dinner, a recent addition has sparked family drama and conflict resolution challenges. The host, who has lost significant weight and prides herself on being a generous entertainer, faces a dilemma regarding accommodating a new guest’s eating habits.

Background: The friend group consists of several members who rotate hosting dinner parties. The host has a history of being welcoming and ensuring no one leaves hungry.
New Relationship: A member named Polly recently announced she has a girlfriend, Melissa, which brought joy to the group. However, Melissa’s size (500-600 lbs) became a point of concern during the first dinner she attended.

During the dinner hosted by the narrator:

Melissa served herself an excessive amount of food, taking four pieces of lasagna, two in her salad bowl, and two in her soup bowl.
The other guests were visibly shocked, and Polly seemed protective of Melissa, signaling the host not to comment.
The host felt uncomfortable but chose to remain silent, not wanting to create tension.

At the next dinner hosted by Joan:

Joan pre-plated every course, aiming to manage portion sizes.
When Melissa requested more food, Joan had to decline, stating there was none left.
This led to Polly texting Joan, accusing her of being controlling, and a similar message was sent to the host, urging sensitivity towards Melissa’s needs.

As the host prepares for her next turn, she faces a dilemma:

She plans to serve a roast dinner but is concerned about the cost of meat and the amount needed to satisfy Melissa.
The host reflects on her own past eating habits, noting that she would have consumed far less than Melissa did.
She contemplates whether to serve a reasonable-sized meal or to increase the quantity to accommodate Melissa’s appetite.

In light of rising food costs and the group’s tradition of contributing to meal expenses, the host is torn between being a considerate friend and managing her budget. She wonders:

Should she buy larger roasts to ensure everyone is satisfied?
Would it be better to simplify the menu to avoid financial strain?
Is it acceptable to serve less food than she knows some guests will want?

This situation highlights the complexities of family drama and wedding tension within friend groups, especially when dietary needs and personal histories come into play. The host seeks a resolution that maintains the spirit of their gatherings while being mindful of everyone’s needs.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

First Update

First, I want to be clear that I do not believe in body-shaming or food policing. Having lost 100 lbs myself and working on another 50, I have no place to judge anyone for what they eat. I pride myself on being a generous host who makes my guests comfortable and feeds them well.

Nobody leaves my house hungry has always been my rule.

The Problem

I have a friend group who meets monthly at either my or “Joan’s” home for dinner; nobody else has enough space to host. Recently, “Polly” announced she had a girlfriend, which made us all happy. Polly has been lonely for a long time.

I was the first to host “Melissa.” Melissa is 500-600 lbs. I’ve never met anyone that big, but I hid my surprise and was warm and welcoming.

No problem; I have sturdy furniture. For dinner, I served bowls of salad, then soup. Melissa insisted on keeping her empty bowls at the table.

I didn’t think much of it; I’m not Emily Post. Then I brought out the main course, two 9X13 pans of 14-layer lasagna, cut into 8 pieces each. There were 10 of us altogether.

I told people to dig in as I got the bread out of the oven. When I got back to the dining room, everyone looked so shocked I thought my cat had farted; his mouse farts could suffocate an elephant. Then I saw that Melissa had four pieces of lasagna heaped on her plate, two in her salad bowl, and two in her soup bowl.

Polly was glaring like “don’t you dare say a word.” Melissa seemed utterly oblivious. I didn’t know what to do. I just sat down.

Joan and I shared one piece of lasagna, and everyone else got a full piece. I cut the cake into equal portions for dessert, but I had to make an extra batch of sauce and get an extra tub of ice cream out. Melissa ate at least a litre.

The Next Month

The next month, on Joan’s turn, she served every course pre-plated, and when Melissa asked for extra, Joan apologized and said there was none. Truthfully, Joan is very organized and precise. Melissa and Polly left right after dinner, and Polly texted Joan, berating her for “controlling” Melissa’s eating.

Polly also texted me, saying she trusted I’d be sensitive to Melissa’s needs on my next turn. That turn is almost here. My plan was roast dinner, pork, and beef.

I can easily make lots of cheap veg and dessert, but meat is pricey right now, and I’d have to serve twice the norm to satisfy Melissa. I know I cannot just trust she’ll take a tenth of what’s there, considering she grabbed a whole lasagna last time. So do I suck it up and just buy much larger roasts?

Do I make a few big batches of cheap soup and biscuits and serve that rather than strain my budget? I don’t want to upset Melissa or be a stingy host, but I have never dealt with someone like this before. I was obese, but I would have eaten maybe 2 pieces of lasagna, not 8.

Do I just serve a reasonable-sized meal and tell Polly and Melissa, “sorry, that’s all I have”? AITAH if I serve less food than I know my guests will want?

Edited to Add

Everyone in the group who doesn’t cook, so 7 people before Melissa joined, chips in 25 per meal to whoever hosts. That, until inflation got so bad, covered enough of the food cost to make it feasible. Joan and I have both been simplifying our menus a bit to deal with rising costs, but the idea is to give ourselves and our friends a night off from the humdrum world and pretend we live glamorous, elegant lives.

We use fine china and dress nicely and play classical music. Right before Melissa, I was going to ask if we could increase the chip-in to 30 a plate. I have the most resources out of anyone in the group, and I can afford to go out-of-pocket a bit more than Joan.

None of the rest have the money, space, or culinary skills to put this together. Joan and I can cook like Julia Child. We are a ragtag lot with a variety of neurodivergences and mental health issues.

These meals give us something special to look forward to.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that Melissa’s behavior at the dinner was rude and inconsiderate, as she took an excessive amount of food without regard for others. Many users emphasize that everyone should contribute to the meal, either through food or financial support, and express concern over Polly’s enabling of Melissa’s actions. Overall, the comments reflect a clear disapproval of Melissa’s selfishness and a desire for more equitable sharing during group meals.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict

In navigating the complexities of this situation, it’s essential to approach the matter with empathy and understanding for all parties involved. Here are some practical steps to help resolve the conflict while maintaining the spirit of friendship and inclusivity:

For the Host

Open Communication: Before the next dinner, consider reaching out to Polly and Melissa to discuss the upcoming meal. Express your desire to accommodate everyone while also being mindful of your budget. This can help set expectations and foster understanding.
Plan the Menu Together: Involve Polly and Melissa in the menu planning process. This way, you can discuss portion sizes and dietary needs openly, ensuring that everyone feels included and valued.
Set Clear Guidelines: Establish a guideline for portion sizes that everyone agrees upon. This can help prevent any feelings of resentment or discomfort during the meal.
Consider a Potluck Style: Suggest a potluck dinner where each guest brings a dish. This not only eases the financial burden on you but also allows everyone to contribute to the meal, fostering a sense of community.

For Polly and Melissa

Encourage Sensitivity: Polly should communicate with Melissa about the importance of being considerate of others during group meals. It’s essential for Melissa to understand that her choices can impact the group dynamic.
Promote Open Dialogue: Polly can facilitate a conversation with the group about dietary needs and preferences, ensuring that everyone feels comfortable expressing their concerns and desires.
Be Mindful of Portions: Melissa should be encouraged to take smaller portions initially and ask for more if she’s still hungry. This approach can help maintain a balance and ensure that everyone has enough food.

For the Group

Foster Inclusivity: The group should work together to create an environment where everyone feels comfortable discussing their needs and preferences. This can help prevent misunderstandings and foster a sense of belonging.
Share Responsibilities: Encourage all members to contribute to the meal, whether through cooking, bringing ingredients, or financially supporting the dinner. This shared responsibility can alleviate pressure on the host and promote fairness.
Practice Empathy: Remind everyone to approach the situation with empathy. Understanding that each person has unique needs and backgrounds can help create a more supportive atmosphere.

By taking these steps, the host, Polly, Melissa, and the entire friend group can work towards a resolution that respects everyone’s needs while maintaining the joy and camaraderie of their gatherings. Open communication and mutual respect are key to navigating this family drama effectively.