AITA for siding with my mom over my dad and stepmom after mom published the obituary my sister wrote that didn’t mention our stepmom, step or half siblings?

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When Grief Meets Family Conflict: A Sister’s Final Wishes

In a heart-wrenching tale of loss and family dynamics, a young woman navigates the aftermath of her sister’s death, who had meticulously planned her own funeral and obituary. Despite her sister’s clear wishes to exclude their estranged father and stepfamily, tensions flare when he demands changes to the published obituary. This story raises poignant questions about honoring a loved one’s final requests versus familial obligations, making it relatable to anyone who has faced difficult family relationships during times of grief.

Family Drama Surrounding Sister’s Funeral Plans

Recently, a tragic event unfolded in our family as my sister passed away at the age of 19 after a long battle with illness. The situation surrounding her funeral and obituary has led to significant family conflict, particularly between my mother and my father, who is remarried.

Sister’s Illness: My sister had been sick for over four years and was aware that her condition was terminal for the last 11 months of her life.
Funeral Planning: She took the initiative to plan her funeral and even wrote her own obituary, expressing her desire for it to be published as she intended.
Family Dynamics: My sister had a strained relationship with our father, especially after he remarried six years ago. She lived with our mother full-time during her illness and had not seen our stepmother or stepsiblings in over three years.
Obituary Content: In her obituary, my sister chose not to mention our father, stepmother, or stepsiblings, focusing instead on our immediate family and close relatives.
Conflict Arises: After the obituary was published, my father and stepmother expressed their outrage, insisting that my mother should have included them. My father attempted to force a change, but my mother stood firm in honoring my sister’s wishes.
Support for Mother: I sided with my mother, believing that it was essential to respect my sister’s choices regarding her own obituary.
Tension at the Funeral: The funeral itself was filled with awkwardness due to the ongoing tension. My sister had specifically requested that our stepmother and her children not be seated with the family, leading to their absence from the service.
Letters from Sister: After the service, my sister’s best friend distributed letters that my sister had written to each of us. The contents of my father’s letter intensified his anger towards my mother and me for supporting her decision.

This situation has left me questioning whether I am in the wrong for standing by my mother and honoring my sister’s wishes. The family drama surrounding this event has created a rift that may take time to heal. I believe that conflict resolution is necessary, but it must start with acknowledging my sister’s desires and respecting her memory.

In light of these events, I find myself asking: AITA for supporting my mother’s decision regarding my sister’s obituary and funeral plans?

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

My sister died last week. She was 19. She’d been sick for over four years and knew it was terminal for the last 11 months.

She planned most of her funeral months ago and wrote her obituary herself. She told me and mom she wanted that to be what was published and she wanted us to stick to her funeral plans. She said she didn’t want anything fake or not her.

Our dad wasn’t a part of this. My sister wasn’t close to him since he remarried 6 years ago and she’d lived with mom full time once she got sick. Dad still saw her but their relationship wasn’t good.

She hadn’t seen our stepmom in over 3 years or our stepsiblings, who are our stepmom’s kids before she married dad, or our half siblings from our dad and stepmom. And in her obituary, she didn’t mention them. Just mom, dad, me, our grandparents, our aunts and uncle, and our few cousins.

That’s the obituary we published, and my dad and stepmom were furious. They told mom she should have added to it when she knew my sister left them off. Dad tried to order her to submit a change, but mom said no.

Dad tried to do it, but he was told he’d need to publish a different one. Dad wanted me to convince mom, but I was with my mom on saying no. My sister didn’t want them mentioned, and it was her obituary.

She wrote what was published, and I feel like that’s the right thing to do. I don’t think my mom did anything wrong. The funeral was so awkward because of the tension.

My sister hadn’t wanted our stepmom, stepsiblings, or half siblings to be seated with the family. In the end, my stepmom and her kids stayed home, and dad was with me and mom at the service. When it was over, my sister’s best friend gave us each a letter from my sister.

The timing was again what my sister wanted. My dad’s letter set him off even more, and he was angry at mom and then at me for taking her side over theirs. AITA?

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments reveal a strong consensus around NTA due to the importance of honoring the deceased’s last wishes and the perceived selfishness of the father. Most users agree that the father’s attempts to alter the situation are disrespectful and that following the sister’s wishes is paramount, providing insight into the overall moral takeaway that respecting the deceased’s desires is crucial, regardless of family dynamics.

Overall Verdict

NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict

Dealing with the loss of a loved one is incredibly challenging, and when family dynamics are complicated, it can lead to heightened emotions and conflict. Here are some practical steps to help navigate this difficult situation while honoring your sister’s wishes and addressing the concerns of both sides.

Steps for Conflict Resolution

Open Communication: Encourage a family meeting where everyone can express their feelings in a safe environment. This should be a space for sharing emotions rather than assigning blame.
Seek Professional Mediation: Consider involving a neutral third party, such as a family therapist or mediator, who can facilitate discussions and help manage emotions during this sensitive time.
Focus on Your Sister’s Wishes: Remind everyone that the primary goal is to honor your sister’s memory. Discuss her wishes openly and emphasize the importance of respecting her choices regarding the obituary and funeral arrangements.
Validate Feelings: Acknowledge the pain and anger that your father and stepmother may be feeling. Let them know that their feelings are valid, even if the actions they are taking are not appropriate. This can help reduce defensiveness and open the door to more constructive dialogue.
Establish Boundaries: If necessary, set clear boundaries regarding future discussions about your sister’s wishes. Make it clear that any attempts to undermine her decisions will not be tolerated, as this can lead to further conflict.
Encourage Healing: Suggest ways for the family to come together in memory of your sister, such as creating a memorial or participating in an activity she loved. This can help shift the focus from conflict to remembrance.
Follow Up: After the initial discussions, check in with family members regularly. This shows that you care about their feelings and are committed to healing the family dynamic over time.

Conclusion

Family conflicts, especially during times of grief, can be incredibly challenging. By focusing on open communication, validating feelings, and honoring your sister’s wishes, you can work towards healing the rift in your family. Remember, it’s essential to approach this situation with empathy and patience, as healing takes time.